Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

How many philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, and two to argue over whether or not the light bulb really exists.

How many Zen Masters does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two. One to replace it, and one not to replace it.

How many constructionist philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it is not dark; the other one stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible.

The College Dean saying to the physics department, "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money for laboratories and expensive equipment. Why couldn't you be like the math department -- all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department -- all they need are pencils and paper."

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life?
When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
His colleague asked, "And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."