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100 ways to
order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers
while ordering. Ask person taking the order to
stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they
accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never
had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is
on the other line and you're going with the
lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just
surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut
the crap about nutrition, ask if they have
something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation:
ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this
time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite
song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather,
spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say
"crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else.
(e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser!
Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds,
then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air.
If asked "Would you like drinks with that?",
panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get
him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them
as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a
fractal pattern as follows from an equation you
are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from
somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A
little later, slap yourself and say "No, I
don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they
have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99;
please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife
sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When
they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of
"pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?
When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've
got some explaining to do!" When they finally
offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place),
start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's
like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from
your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk
the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your
pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say,
"Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd
appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some
furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known
facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the
movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake
with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged
Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then
tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a
dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch
yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up,
call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll
start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients
of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the
pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call
to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to
tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost"
and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last
time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly
declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet
words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose
hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to
(Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again,
with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5
seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS
button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's
date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as
this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term
"spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go
with the term. Ask that this be done to your
pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into
the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use
it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your
pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.
Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.
Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you
won't take any crap from some two-bit
can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the
code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat."
When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce
smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms.
Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms,
please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it
slightly. When it is repeated again, change it
again. On the third time, say "You just don't
get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo,
that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker
and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where
applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make
that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty.
Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid
saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say
"Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene
playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!"
when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why
he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the
hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up
call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public
flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by
the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty
voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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